Tweet Update 2

Amity citizen, James Parks became the third life taken by the killer shark lurking in Amity waters at about 1:30 p.m. today.  Parks was in a small rowboat when the shark attacked.

His leg was later found.

Beaches are no closed for further notice.

Tweeting Update

Citizens were horrified today at Amity beach when two young boys wearing cardboard shark fins swam through the water in what was a scandalizing prank, causing beach goers to evacuate the water in panic.

No one was injured during the prank, and the two boys were pulled from the water by shark spotters.

Caught

Police Chief Martin Brody has announced that the shark attacking citizen of Amity beach has been caught and killed today.

According to Brody, this vicious killer has been responsible for the death of two citizens, the disruption of the island’s July 4 celebrations, and the disruption of busy tourism in Amity.

Matt Hooper, a marine biologist from the Woods Hole, Mass. Oceanic Institute has identified the carcass as a nurse shark.

“Nurse Sharks are among the most brutal and dangerous of all sharks and have been for hundreds of swimmers’ deaths along the East Coast of the United States,” said Brody in a press release.

Conversely, National Geographic describes Nurse Sharks as “slow-moving bottom-dwellers and are, for the most part, harmless to humans.” 

National Geographic also constitutes Nurse Sharks as defensive animals, saying that they “will bite defensively if stepped on or bothered by divers.”

But Brody seems enthusiastic about the death of the “killer shark.”  Believing the waters are now purged of danger, he encourages citizens to “swim and have fun!”

But the entrapment of the Nurse Shark may not have happened without the posting of a $3000 reward yesterday.

The reward for what Brody describes as “heroic and selfless efforts” was the main topic of discussion at yesterday’s town meeting.

The meeting, which was packed with loud, concerned citizens, commenced with some shouting, “is that $3,000 bounty on the shark in cash or check?” to Chief Brody.  The outburst was greeted by laughter from the audience of citizens.

At the meeting, Brody announced that police were going to close the town beaches.  “We’re going to put on the summer deputies as soon as possible,” Brody said, in order to make the area even safer.

The chaos of the meeting was interrupted by the ear-piercing scratch of Mr. Quint, an Amity local, scratching this nails down a chalkboard baring the chalked outline of an open-mouthed shark.

“I’ll find it for $3,000, but I’ll catch it and kill it for ten,” said Quint.  He then proposed catching the shark on his own, and without a crew.

The fishermen who caught and killed the Nurse Shark have not yet been named.

According to Brody, there will be “shark spotters from the Coast Guard, the Marine Patrol, the Mass. State Police, the U.S. Navy, Homeland Security, the FBI, and numerous local municipal and county police agencies in the waters of our beaches.”  But “islanders and guests alike should not be alarmed,” he said.